Learning to chill-out my workout

I have never, and most likely will never, be one to cringe at the thought of physical fitness. I am a product of endless sport seasons--swimming, softball, basketball, gymnastics, field hockey, lacrosse--and beside my brief stint at soccer (when the coach took my 5-year-old self out of the goalie spot due to my inability to focus, move, or want to do anything soccer related), I have loved every minute of it. It was time well-spent with my dad (aka Coach Steve) and what I did with my summers; in high school, it was part of my identity and my group of friends. In college, it gave me an instant family away from home and kept me out of trouble (and gaining the freshman 15!). But it also gave me a militant mentality that I never knew could sabotage the way I looked at exercise.

Our lacrosse program got cut (a whole other story in itself), and I had to trade in my "collegiate athlete" title for "active college student" instead. The first time I walked into our school's fitness center, I felt out of place. I was used to the flaky turf and 5-yard lines of our field. I knew the spots on the track that got slick after it rained, and I had become accustom to the rusty dumbbells in our weight room. To me, treadmills were a last resort for when it was snowing or raining too hard. The last time I had biked was when I was training for a 75-mile race, and the only time I had used the elliptical was when I was nursing a sprained ankle or torn hamstring. I didn't understand how walking or yoga constituted as exercise, and my workout garb was baggy shorts and over-sized T-shirts (hardly close to the "gym-fashionable" outfits other girls wore).

I didn't fit into the mold that many active young women did. They obsessed over pounds and numbers just like I did, but we measured very different things. For them, it was the falling numbers on a scale and the countdown of pounds; for me, it was dropping numbers off my timed mile or adding 40 pounds to my squat max.

This drive, this push that was deemed dedicated and determined on the lacrosse field turned out to be flat out unhealthy off the field. I didn't have to beat times or whistles or weight maxes anymore. For the first time, I could work out just because. But it didn't work out like that. If I wasn't dead and exhausted, or didn't spend more than 30 minutes at the gym, I felt like a failure. I was always having to out-do something or someone. If reports recommended 30 minutes of activity most days a week, I had to do at least 60 every day. I held races with unknowing competitors; if the girl on the treadmill next to me was doing 6.0, I couldn't be under 6.5; if the person across from me stayed on the bike for 40 minutes, I had to stay for 60. It's sad, pathetic, and flat-out creepy (believe me, I know), but it was my unconscious way of satisfying that relentless mentality I had.

It finally hit me. As much as I enjoyed being active, I had no idea how to do it just for fun. These insane, intense and unreal workouts had become my fun throughout the years. I lived for the workouts where you never thought you could make it, where you pushed your body past every logical limit and never thought twice. Those workouts, the ones you could only get though by gasping for air and encouragement from your teammates, were what I considered normal. When my new routines failed to meet that intensity, I was left feeling defeated.

I've had to work hard at re-conditioning my mentality on exercise, and I'm starting to get on the right path. I get out and run simply because I like the way I feel during and after, and when my busy schedule means missing a date with the gym, I don't stress about it. Exercise shouldn't be torture (even if you're sick like me and can find enjoyment from it). It should be a part of your everyday life, not because it has to be, but because you want it to be. For me, that means playing racquetball with Craig more often, taking a pilates class, or catching up with my best friend over a walk rather than a cup of coffee. For you, it could mean gardening, jumping rope, or yes, even cleaning your house! Whatever you choose, it is possible to be more active and actually enjoy it!